Die Asha, Diiiiiie!
by Stephanie18
Summary: Honestly, read the title. If you can't guess what it is from the title, you have really bad inferring skills.


Die Asha, Diiiiiie!  
  
  
Come on, you know you want this. I mean, who really likes Asha? The M/L shippers certainly don't... I don't... and... and... other people don't. I mean, come on. It's Asha. Wasn't the character supposed to be named Stephanie originally or something? I maybe could've liked her a little more if that was the case. I mean instead of intense hatred, I bet I'd just feel loathing. But noooooo! Her name is Asha. Well guess what? I do not like Asha and that is not good for her health.  
  
Read First:  
Womannapped  
Original Logan  
The Noise Of Musac  
*N Max's Addiction  
Orno Movie  
Steel Chef  
  
Disclaimer: Mr. Help The Boat Is Sinking and Mr. Egg Man own Dark Angel. They just do, alright? I don't know why. I mean, people who direct movies about ships definitely shouldn't be supervising a show about genetically enhanced killing machines. *shrugs* But what're ya gonna do?  
  
  
  
  
[Logan's p-ap-pe-ap...ahhhhhhh! I need penthouse therapy! Logan's... home. Yes, Logan's home. Logan is sitting on the couch and Asha just walks right in like she's Max or something.]  
  
ASHA:  
Hi, how are you?  
  
LOGAN (moodily):  
Oh, hello.  
  
ASHA:  
Something wrong?  
  
LOGAN (mumbling):  
I just hate you is all.  
  
ASHA:  
What?  
  
LOGAN:  
Nothing.  
  
[Max walks into the room and stops dead in her tracks. OMG! She's dead?? No.]  
  
LOGAN:  
It isn't what it looks like!  
  
MAX:  
Oh yeah? It looks like you are having a perfectly platonic, nonsexual conversation with Asha over here!  
  
LOGAN:  
Well then it is exactly what it looks like.  
  
MAX:  
Oh...  
  
ASHA:  
I feel uncomfortable.  
  
[Max glares at Asha and Asha cowers. HA Asha! Cower!!]  
  
LOGAN:  
I'm gonna make some Campbells soup.  
  
[Logan walks into the kitchen and Max advances on Asha.]  
  
ASHA:  
What're you... what're you doing?  
  
MAX:  
Shhhhhh. There is only room for one of us on my show, and it is MY show after all.  
  
[Max pulls out a.... ]  
  
STEPHANIE18:  
Oh I can't take the suspense!  
  
[Max pulls out a... spoon!]  
  
STEPHANIE18:  
Who read my Things That Would Never Happen On Dark Angel? I would highly recommend it. *big grin*  
  
MAX:  
Ya know, I know 45 ways to kill man with a spoon. 46 for a woman.  
  
ASHA:  
46? Why one extra?  
  
[Max just raises an eyebrow.]  
  
MAX:  
Well Asha, girls and boys are different from each other. You see, girls-  
  
ASHA:  
Nevermind!  
  
MAX:  
That sounded a little bitchy to me.  
  
[Max takes a few steps toward Asha, and Logan walks in the room.]  
  
LOGAN:  
Hey do you guys - Max, what're you doing?  
  
MAX:  
Me? Oh, I was just... preparing for your wonderful meal. See, spoon and everything.  
  
LOGAN:  
Oh, okay. So, do you guys want crackers with your soup?  
  
MAX:  
Oh, don't worry about Asha. She won't be around long enough to eat hers.  
  
LOGAN:  
O-kay.  
  
[Logan walks back into the kitchen and Max jumps on Asha.]  
  
MAX:  
Diiiiiie!  
  
[Max tries to stab Asha with her spoon. No luck.]  
  
MAX:  
Damn!  
  
[Max starts pummeling Asha instead.]  
  
ASHA (yelling):  
Logan! Max is pummeling me!  
  
[Max jumps away from Asha. She pulls a book from her jacket and sits down on the couch, pretending to read. Logan comes in and frowns.]  
  
LOGAN:  
Asha, why are you making up lies about dear, sweet Max?  
  
ASHA:  
No! She had that spoon and tried to kill me! Then she began to pummel me endlessly!  
  
LOGAN:  
I frown on liars.  
  
MAX:  
Yeah, Logan frowns upon liars you... you... you liar!  
  
[Logan goes into the kitchen and Max walks over to Asha.]  
  
MAX:  
Dirty nark.  
  
ASHA:  
Noooooooo!  
  
[Max picks up the statue of... um... uh... Jennifer Lopez and walks over to Asha.]  
  
ASHA:  
What're you gonna do with that?  
  
MAX:  
Beat you with it until you diiiiiie!  
  
[Max begins to beat Asha with the J.Lo statue.]  
  
ASHA:  
Oh God! Not the booty!  
  
MAX:  
Yes, the killer booty!  
  
[The statue breaks and Bling walks in the room.]  
  
MAX:  
Where did you come from?  
  
STEPHANIE18:  
What have I told you about pointing out my plotholes??  
  
BLING:  
I came from... cheese.  
  
ASHA:  
Cheese?  
  
BLING:  
Shut up!  
  
[Bling picks up a vase and throws it at Asha. Logan walks in. Bling and Max look around the room like they didn't do anything.]  
  
LOGAN:  
What's going on?  
  
BLING:  
Uh.... Asha broke that vase!  
  
MAX:  
And that J.Lo statue!  
  
LOGAN:  
Asha... I'm disappointed.  
  
ASHA:  
But... but...  
  
LOGAN:  
Asha, please, no more lies.  
  
[Logan walks back into the kitchen. Max picks up Bling-]  
  
STEPHANIE18:  
Don't ask me how, I just write these things.  
  
[Anyway, Max picks up Bling and starts beating Asha with him.]  
  
BLING:  
Ow! Take that Asha! Ow! Jesus Max, this head is rented!  
  
MAX:  
Sorry.  
  
[Max puts Bling down and whips out a... er... piece of... piece of cardboard. She advances on Asha, but despite the head injury, Asha scoffs.]  
  
ASHA:  
Oooooo. Cardboard. I'm sooooo scared.  
  
MAX:  
Oh really fool? REALLY?  
  
[Max begins to beat Asha with the cardboard.]  
  
ASHA:  
That isn't cardboard! That's sheet metal in disguise!  
  
MAX:  
So it is.  
  
[Max throws down the "cardboard" and grabs Asha by the arm.]  
  
MAX:  
We're gonna take a trip.  
  
ASHA:  
What're you going to do?  
  
MAX:  
Something. Come on Bling.  
  
[Bling comes back from his fantasy world (it would only scare you if I told you) and realizes that Max is talking to him.]  
  
BLING:  
Huh?  
  
MAX:  
We're taking Asha somewhere.  
  
[They walk into the kitchen and Logan stops them.]  
  
LOGAN:  
Why is Asha all tied up? And why is her mouth taped shut?  
  
MAX:  
Oh you know. Kids and their crazy fashions! Listen, we gotta blaze. I'll be back later.  
  
LOGAN:  
Okay.  
  
[Max, Asha, and Bling leave the ppppp...Logan's home. They meet a truck outside of... Chuck E. Cheese and Bling hands over Asha.]  
  
MAN:  
You sure she escaped?  
  
BLING:  
Well, she's a real pouty one. I figure, even if she didn't, you guys could just use her for [thunder explodes in the sky and Bling's eyes get wide. His voice booms.] experimentation.  
  
[Everything goes back to normal.]  
  
MAN:  
Yeah. Experimentation is good.  
  
BLING:  
So, all set?  
  
[Max walks over and smacks the man.]  
  
MAX:  
Yeah.  
  
[Bling and Max walk away. The Manticore truck drives away with Asha inside.]  
  
BLING:  
Why'd you smack him?  
  
MAX:  
Does everything always have to be about me?  
  
BLING (muttering):  
It is your show...  
  
[Max and Bling go back to Logan's...home. Logan has the soup on the table.]  
  
LOGAN:  
Where's Asha?  
  
MAX:  
Man, I swear. We tried to save her, but that flying Buick just came out of nowhere.  
  
BLING:  
Yeah, sorry man.  
  
[Logan shrugs.]  
  
LOGAN:  
Eh, what're ya gonna do? Soup?  
  
MAX:  
Hells yeah!  
  
THE END 


End file.
